Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
