i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
