My balls are so social today.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
