my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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