She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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