her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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