so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
