There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
