I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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