Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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