A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize