I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
