Is it normal to miss your booty call?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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