We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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