if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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