The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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