Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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