I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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