oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
