I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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