I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
