Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
