he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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