Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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