and next time when you feel me up, do it right
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
