I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
