i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
COCAINE IS GR8
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