Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
They have beer where we have blood.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
