Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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