Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
