i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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