So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
