I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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