when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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