My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
