anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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