Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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