She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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