Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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