I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
