Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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