I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
