You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
