No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
