When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
