Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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