my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
