dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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