every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
