Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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