where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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