Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize