What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
