Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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