I'm drive I can fine osifer
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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