I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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