the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
